MFP and I set out for a run mid-morning on Saturday, a run we thought we needed to ease the tension that had seeped into our household post-job-loss.
I ran for about a quarter of a mile before I had to stop because I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. We were running in the rain with Charlie, having decided to take a new route for a much-needed change of scenery.
The only problem was that I couldn’t run.
This doesn’t often happen, but changes are expected considering the pressure that we are now under.
“Can we just walk for a bit?” I asked.
“Nah, come on. You’ll get into a groove.”
“No. I won’t.”
I was craving exercise and the endorphins it brings, but I literally couldn’t pick up my legs.
“Let’s just walk or a bit then,” MFP offered, finally.
We decided to go off-road and climb a hill.
But of course having the ability to just climb a mountain on a neighborhood run made me sad, which seemed inexplicable. But weird things happen when you are floating through the air emotionally.
When you lose income, you immediately have thoughts of living on the street, so that even your own cozy neighborhood seems suddenly foreign and strange. Everyone driving up and down your street has a free pass called a paycheck, but you feel like an outsider.
“We don’t belong here,” is the thought that most often races through one’s mind.
But after climbing several hundred feet straight up, I felt huge release and I was able to finally smile again.
Of course Charlie was relieved as well, because he really hates to be around a downer.
“Cheer up, crazy lady. As long as there’s some kibble around, everything will be fine…”
Being the support for someone who feels rejected is in and of itself a huge weight to carry. You must put your own fears aside and offer your own reassurance. Since you want to have a temper tantrum instead, it is quite a difficult feat.
And it will require many miles of running. I am certain of that.
I just updated My Training about a run that was the opposite of this one, and one that I am hugely thankful for.