First, I have to share a few things:
I haven’t blogged in a while for a few reasons. Firstly, I am wired for badassery, but I am not wired for self-promotion. Which means that when I don’t feel like I have anything extraordinary to share, I don’t share.
I do enjoy stepping away from this world for a bit and just being. And these days I am having a hard time sorting out what parts of my life have the most value.
Have you ever lined up in your corral before a race, looked around at everyone dressed up in their compression gear and brightly colored shoes and thought to yourself, “this is so dumb!”
I have those moments. Where I’m like, what is this all about? Why am I doing this?
I mean, it’s not like I’m an elite athlete or anything. What is it about running that makes me so obsessed? Does the fact that MFP (and probably others) give me the side eye about it telling in some way?
Perhaps they expect more out of me than certain running times? Or that I could improve other parts of myself and stop worrying about how fast I can run from here to there?
These are the questions I have been asking myself. Which is very timely, because I am also doubting myself, because my motivation as well as my watch are telling me that something is off.
Intellectually I know that the “off” is the fact that I am just beginning to put together consistent running weeks after a summer of hit or miss (mostly miss) running. But wouldn’t it be more fun to be fast all the time, no matter what?
I have a few great best friends who keep me on track when I am going down the hole of depression. Not clinically, but just feeling a bit low. I feel happy to get up each day and drink my coffee and send the boys off. Overwhelmingly I am happy. It’s just that I have moments of relative panic when I think thoughts like, “this is your life…what have you done with it?” And I am not downplaying being a parent, because I would absolutely rather be here in this panic rather than wondering why I didn’t take the time to raise my kids properly. It’s not that. It’s just that self-reflection is a bitch.
It’s hard to explain to someone that, while you wouldn’t have wanted your life to have turned out any other way, wouldn’t it have been nice if you could have squeezed in a few years doing things that would likely have made your life easier RIGHT NOW. Like medical school or law school. Or a few more years of a career.
So that when your kids are all confident and raised and walking out the door to start their own lives, you don’t end up in a ball on the kitchen floor.
Perhaps this is where running comes in. Because instead of being in the fetal position, I will run.
One friend explained to me that those moments of panic are natural, because with one kid out the door and another one not far behind, I have more time on my hands. And isn’t it natural to wonder what the hell to do with it? (I mean, besides running.)
So yes, I haven’t felt like logging my workouts here and talking about tempo pace. Talking about myself and my running has felt “so dumb” lately.
I am trying to figure out the value of so many things. In the end, I do think that writing here and sharing is somewhat valuable.
Even if right now it feels so so very dumb.