Since we last spoke, I am pleased to share that training has been going very well.
I maintained a decent schedule during the weeks-long winter break, and I feel like my body is finally working properly all around.
I am still slightly fearful of another setback, and of perhaps of having my running life incite chaos at home. But I’m getting there.
Last night we had our yearly “share your resolutions” dinner with the family. Generally I jot down a few things in the Notes section of my phone, give a half-assed speech when it’s my turn, and then promptly forget about my big ideas.
Possibly this is because I am a bit of a contrarian, and find it difficult to get on board with these yearly roundup sessions, or possibly I am fearful of failure.
When one gets to this stage of life, one begins to see patterns. Like the resolutionists flooding the gym for the first two weeks of January, only to disappear by March. Or perhaps one begins to notice one’s own flaws, and doesn’t want them to bring them out in the open for everyone to see by making some stupid commitment that likely won’t come to fruition.
At the root of all of this doubt, for me, is fear.
The other day I was flipping through my training journal, one of the Believe ones from Lauren Fleshman, which ironically I resisted the first few years they were available. I found a quote from Shalane Flanagan that struck a chord.
“Don’t let fear decide your future.”
This is it, I thought. What holds me back.
It’s not fear itself, but fear of failure, fear of disappointing people, or possibly myself.
I have felt overwhelmingly fearful of disappointing my family by being too selfish. By running races that take my attention away from them, or for training too hard to give them the attention they deserve.
Or even by diving head first into a career. I have feared feeling guilty for missing out on the meat of the child rearing, the kind you can’t get back once it’s over.
Among my goals for the year, I’ve made a small commitment to running. I want to PR in the 5K.
I know it sounds silly. Most people want to run marathons or ultras or finish an Iron Man. Those are the big goals.
But for me, I need a small one disguised as a big one. Running fast at shorter distances is just as challenging as running long.
So anyway, that’s where I’m going to start.